Conversation With Jimmy
by ytteb
Summary: Another Tony conversation - this time with Jimmy. Probably set in Tony's last season. One shot.


"Hey, Jimster!" said Tony DiNozzo from a gloomy corner of the break room where he was nursing a coffee, "What you doing here?"

James Palmer jumped nervously, "W-w-what?"

"Come on, Autopsy Gremlin, Black Lung, you can tell me," said Tony.

Palmer stared at Tony and wondered why Tony, on the whole, didn't seem to have any nicknames. _DiNozzo_ should have been a name ripe for exploitation. Perhaps, handsome people didn't acquire nicknames? He sighed heavily as he perceived a reason for _his_ many nicknames.

"What's up, Palmer?" asked Tony in concern as he gestured to the seat across the table from him.

"Why haven't you got any nicknames?" asked Palmer to Tony's surprise.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard. You don't have any nicknames …"

"I'm _Very_ Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo," Tony offered.

"But only you use that one," said Jimmy, "Nicknames don't count if you give them to yourself."

"They don't?"

"No."

"Huh, I didn't know that. You sure?"

"Yes," said Jimmy firmly.

"Hmm …" Tony seemed to brood over this and Jimmy suspected he would be trying to find ways to encourage people to add _Very_ to his title.

"So why?" persisted Jimmy.

"Why what?" asked Tony jerking himself from his reverie.

"Why no nicknames?"

Tony shrugged, "Don't know. Some people are just more nicknameable than others, I guess. I mean, I don't give _everyone_ nicknames."

"But how do you decide? I mean, who to give nicknames to?"

Tony gazed into his coffee, "I don't know. I guess it's just a gift …" he paused discontentedly, "You do realise it's a _gift_ , don't you?"

Jimmy recognised this was an argument he would not win so simply said, "Yes, of course, _Very_ Special Agent DiNozzo."

Tony beamed with delight and Jimmy felt the slight subterfuge was worth it.

"So," said Tony, "What you doing here, Jimmy?"

"Dr Mallard's skeleton."

"Excuse me?"

"He's lost it."

"Wow," said Tony, "That must be … difficult. How's he coping?"

"Not well," said Jimmy with a troubled shake of his head. "Not well."

"When did it happen?"

"We're not sure. It might have been two or three days ago."

"And he's been without it all this time?"

"Yes."

"But I saw him yesterday," said Tony, "And he looked OK. Although I'm not a doctor, of course."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, wouldn't it be difficult to stand up … sit down … or do pretty much anything with no skeleton?" asked Tony in concern. "You know, I seem to remember from physiology at OSU that bones were kinda vital for keeping the body … being, you know, a body."

"Tony," said Jimmy patiently, "I don't mean Dr Mallard's lost his skeleton, I meant that he's lost his _skeleton._ "

"Well, that makes it much clearer," said Tony.

Jimmy realised he'd been less than lucid, "Dr Mallard hasn't _lost_ his own skeleton – that would be absurd. He's lost his _medical_ skeleton: he calls it Cedric."

"Why?" asked Tony momentarily distracted.

"I have no idea," said Jimmy, "But he's very upset. He's had Cedric since medical school."

"So, let's be clear," said Tony, "Ducky hasn't lost his own skeleton, he's lost that dusty, creepy thing that hangs in his office?"

"It's not dusty," protested Jimmy, "Dr Mallard has me dust it every second Tuesday. But yes, it's the skeleton that hangs in his office. And, of course, he hasn't lost his _own_ bone structure, that would be impossible. You sure you listened during those physiology classes?"

"You know," said Tony thoughtfully, "Maybe that's why I don't have any nicknames. People just prefer to talk to me as if I'm a five-year-old!"

Jimmy saw that this was entirely possible; for such a confident and capable person Tony did get talked to in a patronising voice by a lot of people. "Sorry," he said.

"Your apology is accepted," said Tony graciously. "So, you're here looking for Colin?"

"Cedric," corrected Jimmy.

"Cedric," acknowledged Tony. "What's the theory?"

"Excuse me?"

Tony huffed impatiently, "Why do you think Cedric's gone missing?"

Jimmy lowered his voice conspiratorially, "We think he's been kidnapped."

"I'm not sure that _criminally_ speaking, something dead can be _kidnapped_ ," said Tony judiciously, "But we'll leave that for the moment. So, you're searching for Cedric?"

"Yes."

"And you thought you'd find him in the _break room?_ One of the busiest rooms in NCIS Headquarters?" demanded Tony sceptically.

Jimmy managed a look of defiance for approximately one and a quarter seconds before collapsing and admitting miserably, "No!"

"Then why are you here? No, wait!" commanded Tony raising a hand, "Let me guess! You're actually just trying to avoid the good doctor … and you're pretty sure that, as the break room is the least likely place for Cedric to have been stowed, it is also the least likely place for Ducky to run you to earth."

Jimmy's mouth dropped openly momentarily, "How … how did …"

Tony smiled with false modesty, "It's a gift," he said, "And this is kinda what I do for a living."

Jimmy dropped his chin into his hands, "I sympathise with the loss – I really do! But I needed to get away … just for a while," he admitted.

Tony patted him on the shoulder sympathetically, "I understand," he said, "Why not have a cup of coffee?"

"That's a great idea," said Jimmy gratefully, "Thank you."

"And get me a refill at the same time, would you? That's a good Autopsy Gremlin."

Jimmy grinned at being outwitted and took Tony's coffee cup away and refilled it.

When the two were sitting opposite one another again, Tony spoke, "So, what are you doing here, Palmer?"

"I told you … looking – or not looking – for Cedric."

"No, no," said Tony impatiently, "I mean, what are you doing at NCIS?"

"What?"

"Well, I figure that, while you're a cautious sort of guy … and you've had the distractions of getting married and reproducing – congrats, by the way … I figure you must have finished med school by now!" Tony gazed at Jimmy who choked over his coffee. He handed Ducky's assistant a tissue to wipe his mouth.

"W-w-what?" Jimmy finally managed.

Tony looked at him sternly and Jimmy realised why Dr Mallard held the theory that Tony and Agent Gibbs had much in common.

"You heard, Black Lung. Am I or am I not right to think that you have graduated from medical school?"

Jimmy nodded miserably.

"Then I repeat my question," said Tony inexorably, "What are you still doing at NCIS? I thought the whole point of going to med school was sort of, well you know, doing some doctoring?"

"It was," agreed Jimmy, "And it is – it's just that …" he trailed off unhappily.

"… that you don't want to leave Ducky behind?"

Jimmy nodded his head.

"You mean he doesn't know?"

Jimmy shook his head.

"But how …"

Jimmy found the power to speak once more, "I think he thinks that I've failed … and he's being tactful. He's a real gentleman, you know … he doesn't want to make me feel bad."

"But why haven't you told him? He'd be pleased, wouldn't he?"

"I guess. And you're right, I took some time out because of what was going on … and somehow I never got around to telling him I'd started up again."

"But …"

"And I think he probably doesn't want me to go – Dr Mallard doesn't like change. I mean, just see how wound up he is about Cedric going AWOL!"

"But you've got your MD, Palmer. And you're schlepping for Ducky rather than out there using it?"

"It's more than schlepping, Tony," said Palmer with dignity.

"You've got student loans to pay off, haven't you?"

Jimmy winced, "Yes."

"And you could be earning more money?"

Jimmy winced again, "Yes."

"And Breena knows?"

"Of course, she knows, Tony. She's my wife."

"And she doesn't mind?"

"She understands."

"What? That you don't want to leave Ducky? So, you'll stay doing a job you're way too qualified for, just so you don't upset the … what … _dynamic_?"

Palmer decided to go on the attack, "What are _you_ doing here, Tony?"

Tony was confused by the change of subject, "What?"

"Seems to me that the same applies to you. You're way too qualified to be staying on to _schlepp_ for Agent Gibbs!"

"I don't schlepp!" protested Tony.

"With respect, Tony, you do," said Jimmy. "Oh, not all the time; but Agent Gibbs is pretty indiscriminate in how he assigns tasks. You take your fair share of menial jobs."

"I guess," admitted Tony.

"So, why do you stay? You've had offers of promotion in the past …"

"Once," said Tony.

"And you turned it down. But there have been other jobs you could've applied for. Haven't there?"

"I guess," said Tony again.

"Then why are you still here? I'm not so sure it makes you happy anymore?"

Tony grinned at Jimmy, "See, that's why I like you, Palmer. You see more than you let on. But I guess you're right. I'm still here because, for a long time, I liked the vibe … I liked working for Gibbs. I had everything I wanted, why move on?"

"And that's why I'm still here at NCIS," said Jimmy.

"But you must have a plan?" said Tony.

"Yes," Jimmy looked around to check they were alone and then said softly, "I've managed to arrange for my work here to count towards a fellowship in forensic pathology."

"Without Ducky knowing?" asked Tony sceptically.

"Yes. Although I sometimes wonder if he does know but is …"

"Deliberately not making sure he knows?"

"Yes. I think he likes things as they are … and this way he knows I'm progressing."

"I don't know …" said Tony doubtfully.

"Well, I do," said Jimmy firmly. "And it makes me happy." He stared at Tony, "So, what's your excuse?"

"Excuse me?"

"What's your excuse for still being here? You said you _had_ everything you wanted … that you _liked_ working for Gibbs. There's an awful lot of past tenses flying around there. So why _are_ you still here?"

"Touché, mon brave," said Tony raising his cup in salute. "And the answer is … I don't know. I guess I haven't found anything else to do instead."

"Are you looking?" asked Jimmy gently.

"Not really," admitted Tony, "I guess I think I'll know it when I see it. Not sure it'll be anything at NCIS. The Director's not a big fan of _Very_ Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. But, something will turn up."

"You won't tell anyone, will you?"

"What? That I'm having a sort of midlife crisis? No, I'll keep that to myself, thank you."

"It's what you're good at," said Jimmy sympathetically, "But that's not what I meant. You won't tell anyone about me being James Palmer _MD_?"

"No, I won't tell anyone. But I have to say, it's got a nice ring to it. Congratulations, _Dr_ Palmer."

"Thank you, Tony. It feels kinda good that someone knows."

"Don't leave it too long, though … you're allowed to shine, you know."

"I know. And you should take your own advice. You know, you're a good friend, Tony."

"Despite the inappropriate gifting?" grinned Tony.

"Well, I never told you this, Tony," said Jimmy, "But those baby shower gifts …"

"The earplugs, cash and wine?"

"Yes, them. They turned out to be the best gifts."

"Really?"

"Well, not the earplugs … not yet, anyway - but I figure they will when Victoria is a teenager and has her friends around for sleepovers."

"Huh."

"But the wine … you see, we decided that Breena wouldn't drink alcohol while she was breastfeeding …" Tony shuffled uncomfortably, "… and I agreed to do the same – you know, in solidarity. So, when Victoria was weaned …" Tony winced again, "… and she'd slept through the night, Breena and I drank the wine." Tony smiled happily. "Of course," continued Jimmy, "We had a dreadful hangover the next day – but it was worth it"

"Whatever works for you, Palmer," said Tony.

"And the cash? All the other gifts were for the baby. And that was great," added Jimmy hastily, "But that cash we decided was just for us. And we went and spent on something _we_ wanted."

Using his investigative skills, and knowledge of Jimmy, Tony somehow deduced that their purchases wouldn't be something _he_ would have wanted, so he just nodded sagely.

"And Breena said at the time that yours were the only presents that showed that someone remembered her as an _individual_ and not only as a mother. So, thank you, Tony."

The two sat in a companionable silence for a few moments before Jimmy stood to go, "I guess I need to resume the search for Cedric. Dr Mallard is really very agitated."

Tony coughed, and Palmer paused, "Tony?"

"Yeah, about Cedric …"

"Tony, what do you know about Cedric?" pressed Jimmy.

"I didn't know he was called Cedric," offered Tony.

"Tony …?"

"Well, it's just that we're coming up to Halloween … and Cedric might be useful …"

"You mean Abby's taken him?" asked an aghast Palmer.

"No, no," said Tony, "Abby's got more than enough spooky things to decorate the lab. No, but I heard on the grapevine that Quidget, Topknot and Wombat are having their own celebration …"

"Who?"

"Topknot, Wombat and Quidget."

"Who are they?"

Tony sighed, "Lisa, Morris and Kyle."

"And who are they?" asked Jimmy again.

Tony sighed again, "They work in the Deep Cleaning and Fumigating Department."

"I don't think I've ever been there," said Jimmy.

"No," said Tony sadly, "Not many people have. Although it has some interesting features."

Jimmy decided not to enquire what the _interesting_ features might be. "And why are they called _Topknot, Wombat_ and _Quidget?"_

"You'd know if you saw them," said Tony simply.

This also seemed to raise more questions than answers and, once again, Jimmy decided not to ask for details, "And why do you think they have Cedric?" he asked.

"Well, I don't _know_ ," said Tony cautiously. "But they have been gathering _decorations_. And the DCFD is pretty bleak …"

"DCFD?"

"Deep Cleaning and Fumigating Department. So, it needs a lot of decorating … you know, to distract from the _smell._ "

"And they're having a Halloween celebration?"

"Actually, they have it on Mischief Night …"

"Why?"

"Oh, well they're humble folks down in the DCFD. And they know that if they have a _Halloween_ party, people would most likely go to other places, but they stand a better chance of people showing up to a party on Mischief Night … not that many people do – show up, I mean."

Jimmy had a moment of insight, "And you go?" he asked.

"Standing invitation," said Tony proudly as he produced a bright orange card from an inside pocket. "I enjoy it – it's not as Halloweeny as Halloween. But they have all the cool food! And there's a lot of it, you know because of the not many people showing up … and because of the smell and the …" Tony trailed off, leaving the rest to Jimmy's imagination.

"Huh," said Palmer, absorbing this new information. "And you think that Fidget, Whatsit and Hairdo have Cedric?"

"Topknot, Wombat and Quidget," corrected Tony.

"You think they have Cedric?"

"It's possible," said Tony.

"And they'll look after him?"

"They're not vandals," said Tony in an offended tone, "They make things better, not worse. In fact …"

"In fact, what?"

"In fact, he'll probably come back shining with health … well, not _health –_ I mean, he's dead – but he'll come back shiny and clean. Bound to."

"And they're nice people?"

"Sure. They're not everyone's cup of tea … but you and I know what that's like, don't we?"

"Yes, we do," said Jimmy. "Well, I think in that case, I'll carry on searching …"

"You will?"

"Sure. But I don't think I'll make it as far as the DCFD."

"Topknot, Wombat and Quidget thank you," said Tony gravely, "As do the invitees to the Mischief Night Party."

"Thank you, _Very_ Special Agent DiNozzo," said Jimmy holding out his hand.

Tony rose and shook the hand, "No, thank _you,_ Dr Palmer."

Jimmy smiled ruefully and left Tony in his dark corner in the breakroom. He wondered what would become of his friend – and hoped it would make him happy.

* * *

 _AN: Mischief Night is the night before Halloween. And I don't really understand why Palmer kept quiet about qualifying …_


End file.
